Personal Edge: BDSM + God - Discovering God as my Dom
How two worlds collided. BDSM, often taboo, deepened my connection to my most spiritually surrendered and religiously Jewish observant self.
Disclaimer: I use the word God or Hashem (the name in Hebrew) interchangeably, please substitute what feels relatable for you (divine, oneness, creator etc), and if you are uncomfortable, I encourage you to keep reading and allowing that to be present.
Exploring My Relationship with Desire
Desires are alluring. Desires feel really good to follow. Desires are also teachers.
Sometimes, my desires come from pure, delicious, passionate, magical, and hopeful places, leading to a life of aliveness, connection, and meaning. Other times, they come from overcompensation, avoidance, envy, fear, immediate gratification, and greed, leading to pain and disconnection. Each teach me something different about myself and my experience in life.
No matter where the desire comes from, I had a powerful realization recently that taught me that even with the best intention in mind, my own desires are limited and can only get me so far ie: blindspots in the way.
I uncovered an unexpected ally that supported me in discovering my blindspots I had around desires.
The ingredients involved in this ‘aha’ moment are BDSM + God + Jewish practice. Let’s dive in. First up BDSM.
Exploring Power Dynamics
Before we meet, said, allies, we need to dive into one of desire’s friends, power.
POWER: a word that both empowers and triggers people. It’s also one of the main themes in my coaching with clients: reclaiming power, stepping into their power, feeling empowered with themselves, partners, cofounders, and teams. Everyone comes with mixed relationships about power based on their childhoods. Cue: all the stories you have about religion, sex, parents, workplaces, society, etc...
BDSM is just that- a framework that explores power dynamics that supported me in this discovery. I personally am not a part of any BDSM communities- however I am familiar with some of the concepts which inspired me to utilize the power awareness in the regular day to day.
A little more formal education first so we’re all on the same page:
The relational dynamic of BDSM, specifically the “DS” of the acronym, stands for dominance and submission. These roles are often societally explored in romantic and sexual contexts, and the power is taking them out of bedroom and exploring them into everyday interactions: professional settings, friendships, or family relationships—because, as we know, power dynamics live everywhere!
A little deeper dive before we get back to my experience:
“In the context of relationships, dominance and submission refer to roles where one person takes on a more assertive or controlling role (dominant), while the other person takes on a more passive or obedient role (submissive). This dynamic can vary greatly depending on the individuals involved and the specific relationship. It’s important to note that in healthy relationships, these roles are consensual and mutually agreed upon, focusing on trust, communication, and respect for each other's boundaries and desires.”
My favorite thing I’ve learned about the dominant (dom) and submissive (sub) dynamic is that from the outside, it seems like the dominant is the one in power. In reality, the dominant is fully in service of the submissive’s pleasure and responsible for their safety and wellbeing. It’s one of the most beautiful dynamics to play in when done healthily. Although the submissive is following orders and being ‘controlled’ by the dominant, on a deeper level, the sub is really the one ‘in power’ because the dom’s actions are guided by the submissive’s pleasure.
If this is triggering to you, please reach out to me. Understanding how to utilize power dynamics in a healthy way has been liberating for my clients as well as myself. The nuance here is powerful, although these contexts are often sexual - we are only using the framework to explore in other relational dynamics.
Where Desire and Power Intersect in My Jewish Practices.
I want to bring this dynamic outside the bedroom and into one of the most important relationships in my life: with God and my Judaism.
I am about to take you into my inner world, in hopes that you, someone who has struggled with ‘religious practice’ in any way, can find a new portal of connection with ‘mitzvot,’ with your Jewish identity, and/or with God—the divine.
I’ve been exploring my relationship with the Jewish family purity laws called niddah. What is niddah? In short, for the entirety of a woman’s period followed by a week of ‘clean days’ afterward, partners in a relationship separate from each other. Think: about two week’s completely apart every month.It’s a practice of discipline, space, and boundaries.
This practice, although it has been a value I knew I’d keep since I was a kid, I hadn’t thought too much of it. And, a curiosity began inviting me in, and as I began exploring what this practice actually entails, I noticed a lot of resentment and pain around ‘the STRONG boundary with no wiggle room.’ It started bringing up feelings of being trapped, and caged in, that I would be told what to do and when without my "choice.” It started bringing up other parts within Judaism that I’d subtly been resenting as being “too restrictive,” “why are you telling me what to do?” or “ugh, this is so annoying, are you kidding me?”
And, that my friends invited me into one of the deepest explorations we’re here to talk about today:
If this is important to me (values alignment check and not blindly following) and it’s bringing up all these challenging feelings, how can I expand my relationship so I’m not practicing these many “mitzvot” (jewish connections and laws) from a resentful and angry place?
I began talking to friends and exploring my relationship with boundaries that are ‘hard,’ and what the use of them might be.
Fast forward, and there I was on a silent meditation retreat. Throughout the week, as a sensual and tactile person, always touching nature, I would pass by this specific fig tree and rub my face in it, touch the flowers, and enjoy the textures and life. At the end of the week, we entered into Shabbat in silence. There I was, by the same fig tree I’d spent time with every day, and the purple flowers I passed by on the way to and from my room. On Shabbat, there’s a practice of not touching live plants, so instead of engaging with them with touch, I was invited into a different experience: meeting them from a distance.
When I sat next to the flowers, instead of touching them—my usual go-to—I started noticing other parts of them visually and the way they moved. Things I hadn’t noticed at all during the whole week and brought new awareness and pleasure which led to deeper connection. And when I was next to the fig tree, there was immense desire to touch it. The desire grew because of the distance, because I couldn’t touch it, the exact dynamic that often keeps powerful chemistry in relationships. That is a powerful outcome of the niddah practice mentioned above- desire, directed in this way, builds erotic (read: alive and electric) connection.
And then it hit me.
Hashem is my dom. Hashem is my dominant, my king and I am his submissive and in that moment it felt so empowering.
With the boundaries that Hashem gave the Jewish people, and in this case, me, I was able to have a deeper connection to myself, and in this above, to the plants—in the case of niddah, to men.
Instead of doing what I want when I want it re: with the plants, the limitations gave me new entry points of deeper connection which gave me new insight into the niddah practice.
And then I started realizing how this lives in every area of my Jewish ritual life.
In the Torah, there are 613 mitzvot, often translated as ‘laws’ or ‘good deeds.’ However, the word tzav in the word mitzvot means connection.
So, there are 613 opportunities for connection—and Hashem, as my dom, knows what is best for my deepest pleasure, beyond what I might know or understand for myself in certain moments.
I started feeling this on my silent meditation retreat, and then all the connection points started locking into place. Looking back, this is exactly how I feel about Shabbat. There have been numerous times when there’s ‘something fun’ happening on Friday night or Shabbat day, and my more immediate gratification desire WANTS IT. My practice is unwavering, so often disappointingly, I don’t do that thing. Then other opportunities open up for me—whether it’s deep rest I didn’t know I needed, or exploring other places, people, unexpected conversations, and experiences that BLOW MY MIND. It often goes like this: “Ohhh, I had no idea I really needed this. Now I get it.”
So what’s shifted is that instead of being angry or upset at God for “putting these boundaries up,” -
I now have a new perspective and a deep reverence for God, who sees beyond my immediate desires and leads me to a pleasure that brings me to my knees—a pleasure rooted in truth: my values, purpose, and connection.
A perspective from the outside
I shared this idea with a friend newly exploring her Jewish journey, and it deeply resonated with her. As a spiritually led person, she realized her life had been guided by desire and an ‘à la carte’ mentality. Hearing this, it hit her that if she only chooses what feels best for her, she might miss deeper lessons, connections, and growth she can’t yet see (blindspots). This framework sparked new excitement for her to explore Jewish rituals that might not feel convenient or easy but could hold unexpected meaning.
A New Relationship Dynamic: Eroticism in the Divine
This force, God, who I am in a love affair with holds my deepest pleasure as his highest will for me. This relationship has deepened my connection to halacha, the laws, to mitzvot and given me a new experience of the world and the many Jewish structures within it. I’ve found myself observing them, surrendering into them, and trusting my dom’s guidance.
There is something alluring, sweet, and empowering about this new dynamic. It carries an undeniable erotic nature. As Esther Perel explains, eroticism is “the qualities of vitality, curiosity, and spontaneity that make us feel alive.” Even in moments of pain, anger, or disconnection, this lens invites me to interact differently, with aliveness and curiosity, with Hashem and the practices.
Continuing to choose this lens- having God as my dom, makes me feel taken care of, special, and so in love—discovering deeper layers of pleasure in places I couldn’t access before.
And more than anything, I found freedom. Free in the realest sense of the word. Only when the river has banks does the river know where to flow. Otherwise, the water is a scattered and aimless. The vessels, the boundaries, the containers let the water flow freely.
Two opportunities to be in each other’s lives more:
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