Personal Edge: A Period Reclamation.
In a moment of unexpected vulnerability, I found myself leaning on my mom and reclaiming a part of myself I hadn’t realized needed healing- letting go of shame, and connecting with my body and period.
Prelude
Inside My Process: Overcoming Blocks to Share This Piece.
I’ve been sitting on this piece for a month, hesitant to share. Voices question: “You coach businesses and teams; is this the kind of thing they want to see?” “Will they hire you if you’re writing about this?” “Is this too much to put out while dating?” “Will men still want to work with you if you talk about your period?” You get the idea.
I know these voices well; they’ve been with me for years, and around sharing my writing this last year, usually talking while I listen—an agonizing dynamic. Before sharing this week’s edge, I’m here at the edge of sharing itself. Stick with me. What I’m opening up to is committing to consistency, a trust that the right people will resonate. And when I sat with these voices, I uncovered deeper truths and a bolder voice.
These voices are pieces of societal stories, ones I no longer live by. I choose a world where the men I date have been more comfortable with my period than I have (true story!), helping me connect more deeply with my body. I choose a world where periods and blood aren’t taboo, stigmatized, or just “women’s issues.” I choose a world where the leaders I work with—men and women—welcome the whole human being into their workplaces. So yes, this is for everyone: women, men, corporate and startup leaders, entrepreneurs, you name it.
At Wide Open Spaces, that’s the work—uncovering what stands in the way of your fullest freedom and expression, in service of the unique gifts you’re here to share, whether in relationships, the workplace, or the world.
Welcome to the conversation. Let’s dig in.
Personal Edge: A Period Reclamation.
Crouched down on the floor of the bathroom, crying, I felt like I was trying to birth something.
The tears felt like a mix of exhaustion, fear, and helplessness, but interestingly not in a deep heavy way, in a kind of cathartic way, like something was releasing from me - partly there was fear and helplessness, and partly I felt trust, knowing, and safety at the same time.
After trying on my own, I could not get it out and I needed help. I called my mom into the bathroom. She is sitting on the bathtub rim encouraging and patiently coaching me through it.
It was my first time trying a flex disc, as an alternative to using tampons for my period, and I put it as high up as I could, and in doing that, it was tucked in so well I couldn’t get it out.
cue my childhood fears of being trapped/things getting trapped.
This moment, the morning of my birthday, after terrible cramps in the middle of the night, my whole belly feeling tender, I was aware that something bigger than getting this disc out was happening. I felt like I was giving birth to something, and I needed my mother there for it.
It was a tikkun, a fixing, a release, and a completion of a moment years ago when I first got my period and she insisted on teaching me how to use tampons, and I was utterly embarrassed to have her help and was in so much fear and helplessness that I gave up entirely until I was 21.
Let’s back up a moment...
A month ago, I decided I want to stop using tampons, initially because lately I’ve been traveling spontaneously and then not having enough healthy branded tampons, my preference. It has just become a pain, and throw on the price tag over time and space of tons of tampons, I decided there has to be a better way to do this!
So, I reached out to my friend Bruna, who I intuitively knew was THE PERSON, and she recommended the flex disc. As someone who has had a complicated and fear-induced relationship with my period over the years, a young scared part kicked in, and I asked her ALL MY QUESTIONS, making sure, as I do, I had ALL THE INFORMATION.
Now let’s back up even more...
My relationship with my period has been a huge evolution.
Getting my period at 13, 8th grade, on the bus on the way home from a field trip, I remember having intense pain and the boys on the bus saying, "Oh, do you have your period?" and I said, "NO!," totally embarrassed and confused. Then I got back to school, went to the bathroom, and there she was waiting for me.
My mom had briefly talked to me about it, and when I got home, she insisted on helping me learn how to use tampons. I don’t remember the fullness of the details, but what I do remember is trying, maybe even with her in the bathroom or she offered, and it was a mess. I couldn’t get it, I was scared of how far up they had to go and couldn’t seem to get them in where I couldn’t not feel them (cue: to how much we don’t learn as young women about our bodies growing up, that’s for another conversation.) Over the next 7 or 8 years, I would randomly try and then get scared and frustrated and give up.
This kept me out of wanting to go to summer camp, summer boat trips, and pool visits, trying out for the basketball team because I was scared of leaking and pads, always making excuses and internally feeling so much shame and embarrassment-“here my period is again, ruining my life.” It sounds dramatic but in a way, my period dictated so much for me leading with fear. I felt alone. I also had terrible cramps and couldn’t figure out how to get them under control, being out of commission in so much pain for a few days every month during high school—it was AWFUL.
I felt imprisoned and embarrassed and uncomfortable and in lots of pain—and supposedly this was a gift?
The next time I had a big up leveling in my relationship with my period was in a romantic relationship. My partner at the time was so comfortable around my period, talking about it and its beauty WAY more than I was, and it offered me an opening to reassess. That’s when I started using tampons, I trusted that my body wasn’t broken and could handle it, and right then and there, my life changed.
My relationship with my body, my period, and my womanhood all started evolving.
And, now I want to take you back to the other morning, my birthday morning.
Growing up in an observant Jewish community and continuing to have a devoted observant lifestyle, there were so many things that weren’t talked about nevertheless explored —the sacredness of the woman, her gifts, her magic, sensuality, sexuality, my body: physical manifestations, spiritual, emotional, her beauty.
The last decade of my life has been deep excavations of WHO AM I? What is my essence? What are my unique gifts I am here to serve in this world?
And, over the last decade, Wide Open Spaces was birthed, along with my reclamation to myself, working with therapists and coaches of all kinds, trying new modalities of expression and exploration—sign me up!
And in that journey, I explored, wrestled, and discovered. I have found my freedom, aliveness, and expression. I explored my stories of shame around my sexuality, sensuality, and my period, around my singleness in my 30s—and coming into the fullness of myself while also seeing myself as a badass CEO running her company- all of it existing together.
I have and continue to deeply explore my value of tzniut, modesty, (often assumed just for women and about their clothing - both not true!), and all the dynamics within the observant Jewish community while still being a fully expressed, powerful, free woman.
I often talk to Jewish women about these topics because I love them, and they are so appreciative and relieved to have someone to talk to about these important conversations without embarrassment, shame, or quiet hush-hush energy.
So, now here I am, on my birthday, trying to get this flex disc out, couldn’t get it, and as a empowered independent woman, I then powerfully called my mom into the bathroom to support me.
It felt so comfortable asking for help in a moment of vulnerable need, and she watched me cry and couldn’t do anything. In that moment, having her watch me cry, and the tears themselves felt like a huge release. I told her I felt like this was childbirth, and she was witnessing me and supporting me through it—it felt like I was birthing and releasing something BIG simultaneously.
I was going back to a moment in time when I was 13, so embarrassed and filled with shame to have my mom in the room with me as I felt helpless and confused about my body and what was happening. I just wanted to hide, deal with it alone, and felt so alone. And here I am, first day with a new blood catcher, inviting her in.
And then the growth and evolution continued. I finally got the disc out, think bearing down and birthing this flex disc out of me, feeling relieved. I decided I am going to put it down for now, not knowing how long that now would be, ONLY surprising to myself picking it up that night and try again. I got this!
Younger Nas would have avoided it for years, felt shame and disappointment, and that’s the beauty of growth—my younger self trusting my wise adult to know I am going to keep her safe.
And, that flex disc went in, and I wore full white on Yom Kippur the next day and rocked it out, getting to know my blood in a whole new way and getting to wear white without being nervous. More than anything, I was comfortable in my body to trust her, praise her, treat her with respect, and ask for help when I need it.
I have been delving into these topics (think: feminine leadership, freedom, expression, pleasure, desire, sensuality, de-shaming all while keeping Jewish values a priority…) with my own coaches and clients and friends for a while now, and from two recent conversations with Jewish women in NY and Jerusalem, I am hearing a calling for women who want into these conversations and are yearning for community and support to feel more empowered.
If you are a growth oriented woman, single or married, who have been involved in personal development work, and who either want to bring this to your workplace or community for a workshop or want to up level their expression and lean more into their feminine powers and feel more free in yourself, your pleasure and desire while still deeply honoring Jewish community and personal values - please DM me on IG at @nasya.miller and share your interest. Let’s cross those edges!
