Client Edge: Unmet Desires: The Key to Deeper Connection
How uncovering unmet desires—rather than criticizing—can transform disconnection into deeper connection, in both relationships and the workplace.
Is there something your partner or colleague spends a lot of time on that bothers you, even though you can’t quite explain why?
Something that kept coming up in sessions with a couple I coach was passive comments here and there about this thing the other spends a lot of time doing that bothers them—or even sometimes drives them crazy fill in: any hobby. Neither had a real reason why it bothered them other than that their partner gave their respective pastime a lot of attention and energy.
Neither of them liked that the other criticized them about their pastime, yet both of them continued to do it to each other, sound familiar?
I see this pattern all the time.
When they made short jabs at each other for that pastime, it created distance and disconnection—and what’s wild about that is what was really happening underneath.
In one session, we dove right into it. What became clear was that both of them were envious of the time and energy the other devoted to this ‘thing’ because it felt like it was taking away from the time they wanted with their partner. Both of them were craving more present time together, but this ‘pastime’—and the energy and attention going toward it—felt like it was cutting into that.
You can see how this pattern, coming from a place of wanting more time together, actually created more distance.
The unique lens of the coaching I do with couples is that my client isn’t the individuals themselves—it’s the relationship between them. My work is about illuminating the voice of the relationship to both partners or teams so they can see what it is needing to thrive.
By getting to the core of each of their desires, it became clear that what the relationship was craving—and desperately needing—was more attentive time spent together. We went beyond their “annoyance” and criticism with each other’s pastime. If we had dealt with it on the surface, it might have looked like each of them spending less time doing that thing, yet, still quietly remaining guilty or hiding or critiqued by their partner, when in reality, it was hitting something much deeper that the relationship was asking for.
It wasn’t about decreasing those parts of the pie but about increasing the parts that weren’t being fed. The main part to increase for them? Consistent, attentive, and present time together.
When we got down to it, neither of them said they would care about their partner spending time on their pastime if they felt satiated with the time they spent together—feeling like their partner was giving their shared time the same energy and attention they gave these other things.
The criticism and then defensiveness ‘dance’ was the way they knew how to communicate this unmet desire until now - they felt ignored so they made their partner wrong. What they really wanted to say was the vulnerable truth: Your attention is over there. What about me? What about us? I want you to want to spend time with me like that!
Once the relationship felt its need heard, the energy completely shifted - swapping out criticism, which only pushes people apart, for vulnerability, hearing the truth of the unmet desire, which then created connection instead of disconnection. (Another piece to come on how to normalize and welcome vulnerability instead of armor in relationships: romantic, friendship, workplace.)
For these two, what was missing was present and spacious time together. It wasn’t about decreasing the time spent on those other things but about increasing the time and energy given to what wasn’t being met.
This is what the relationship was asking for. Once we identified that, they could design what the relationship needed. We also designed together a new way to address this pattern moving forward.
“In the future, if they felt annoyed at their partner for spending time on “x,” they could check in and ask for time together—giving the relationship what it actually needed: connection.”
This pattern and inquiry applies well beyond romantic relationships.
Think about those moments in your workplace when you feel annoyed or frustrated with a colleague. Instead of communicating through criticism, ask yourself: What is the unmet desire here?
This approach helps you move beyond the surface-level “issue” and get to the core of what the relationship or team dynamic actually needs. Addressing it from a place of criticism often leads to defensiveness and disconnection, but coming from the vulnerability of the unmet desire can open the door to an honest and meaningful conversation.
And usually this beautiful inquiry can be simple yet have a massive impact:
What does this team need to feel more connected and aligned?
What can we design together to increase what’s missing rather than diminishing what’s frustrating?
Whether in relationships or the workplace, the power of illuminating the system—be it a partnership or a team—is in discovering what it truly needs to thrive.
Next time you find yourself shunning your partner—or your colleague—for something, ask yourself: What is actually happening here? What unmet desire is making me dislike “x”?
If you had an ‘aha’ reading this or the approach got you thinking that you want to up level in your relationships with self, partnership, team, own leadership on relational intel for your company, here are some current opportunities to work with me at the end of 2024 beginning of 2025.
I currently have the following limited open spots - a few 1:1 clients, 2 open spots for couples and 2 open spots to work with leaders and their leadership teams - if you know there is more for you or your team or partnership and want to end your year on a powerful note and begin the next year already crossing your edge and onto your next level, be in touch via www.wideopenspaces.co and set up a 15 minute connection call
You can also check out www.wideopenspaces.co to learn more about the offerings. Couple offerings usually referral only, opening it up to the right couples.